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Monday, January 13th, 2003
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what does that mean... it kinda bugs me that u think that way and i guess if ur single that means i am too doesnt it. since u say ur single u better live it up. ur actions even when we are on a break say to me that it might not be the right thing anymore. in one week i am supposed to grow up and change the most i have ever done in my life for u... doubts fill my mind and evil thoughts race by my eyes into the back of my head. u are not the same person u were when i first met u. i am not asking u to change becuz if u did u wouldnt be u, but i will tell u that i dont like who u are now. i cant tell anyone how i feel without them running to u with what i said, and now i wont trust them. yes i am a hate filled person and i will live my life that way, i accepted it a long time before i met u and since i met u i have tried to change it. love has hurt me in ways that nothing else has and yet it has also made me happy in ways that nothing else could. now u ask if its worth it and what i feel would be the right thing to do. u say u are single, well then so am i and i guess i dont know what that really means so im gonna wing it... i hate this break but yet i love it... if ur single and so am i tha means i dont have to do anything anymore... that means i can do what ever i want doesnt it? well now that im good and mad ill go to bed before i fuckin kill someone... omg i wish someone else could make my decisions for me... and maybe then life would be easier to live...
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, September 14th, 2002
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Friday, September 13th, 2002
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im glad ur not a star... becuz the other stars would be jealous of your brightness, and no one would look at them, but only you becuz of your beauty...
but the trick is... u really are a star... just one that is not in the sky. instead u are my star and i see what beauty lies within u and i couldnt live without u for the rest of my life... ur light is what keeps me alive... it keeps me wanting to wake and greet the next day. i love you... and some day when u finally are in the sky everyone will look at you and ignore the others... and then soon after i will join u and we can spend eternity glowing brightly together.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, September 8th, 2002
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Sunday, September 1st, 2002
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| Time: | 4:02 am. |
| Mood: |  blah. | | Music: | go away. |
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new LJ in case anyone really cares... its EvilZebra so yea and well umm sure whatever
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Wednesday, August 21st, 2002
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i know it sounds dorky but umm... collective soul and train were my first concert... well first REAL concert... it was free and it was in Florida... i miss it there. newayz... this was the song that me and my step mom waited for, we LOVED this song. *sigh* memories... memories of my time passed... the friends that wore their personalities on their sleeves, no deep down secrets or different personalities... just... them. i miss them a lot. now i have friends, it took me a while but i got em, hope they like me as much as i like them. whatever... i just saw this song online and i thought of it... so yea here... my first concert, it was pretty cool......
HEAVY:
Complicate this world you wrapped for me
I'm acquainted with your suffering
And all your weight
It falls on me
It brings me down
And all your weight
It falls on me
It falls on me
Hold me up to all whom you've deceived
Promises you break you still believe
And all your weight
It falls on me
It brings me down
And all your weight
It brings me down
It brings me down
(x's 2) And all your weight
It falls on me
It brings me down
And all your weight
It falls on me
It falls on me
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Tuesday, August 20th, 2002
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I GOT A BLUE HAT ON!!!! LOL
thank you mina... u know what im talking about hehe
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 2:02 am. |
| Mood: |  pissed off. | | Music: | what its like. |
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well i got a couple of new pics... but since im pissed off i thought that i would use this one...
hmm well i guess i accidentally deleted this one... all well it WAS a shotgun suicide but whatever... maybe ill get it later
=D
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Monday, August 19th, 2002
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Thursday, August 15th, 2002
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| Time: | 4:27 pm. |
| Mood: |  disappointed. | | Music: | Foo Fighters- There Goes My Hero. |
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this is my last entry... good bye
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 1:12 am. |
| Mood: | i dunno. | | Music: | A Gun Shot. |
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tomorrow my friend matt's parents decided that he cannot go to 6 flags which ruins my day... i have no plans
Life Blows... *snap*... the clip goes in... *click, click*... the chamber locks in a single bullet...*BOOM!!*... the trigger is pulled, the hammer snaps back, the bullet flies out of the chamber and into the head... *thud*... the sound of the body hitting the floor...
"The next time you see me will be at my wake. Good Bye..."
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Wednesday, August 14th, 2002
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FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yea im like in a mood to where i have nothin to lose... want someone have the shit beat out of them? just give me a responce and ill do it foru... if ur a friend ill do it for free, if ur not then u gotta pay... if ur someone that i dont like its extra... if u ask me to beat one of my friends... ill steal the money and wont do it... if ur someone i dont like and ask me to beat oneof my friends... ill steal the money kick ur ass and then steal ur wallet, so be careful who u chose... and dont be a dumb ass... but yea, brian if u still want me to kick his ass just give me a ride and set it up... ill make him want to die
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something is wrong... very wrong... tonight was a very bad night. i did something tonight that i will never forgive myself for doing... i wish i was someone else, the things that bother me eat at me and dont go away... and they arent even that big of a deal = (. tonight opened my eyes like they have never been opened before... tonight was a very bad night... something is wrong... very wrong... and i dont know what it is or how to fix it...
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Tuesday, August 13th, 2002
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my sis came back from russia last weekend and i found out that im gonna be going to russia next summer with her =). i will be writing in this A LOT less than i used to becuz now i have a journal that i can write in for myself. this way i dont look like an idiot in front of a bunch of people that i dont know. almost no one reads these entries and well its not really worth it if i dont have anyone reading them. i mean i could write in my other journal thingy and no one will read it that one either. so yea i guess im saying that if i dont ahve enough people respond to this then i will have one last entry... oooh yea there is a time limit too, i guess i could set it by the end of... lets say... umm... thursday the 14th =)... ready go
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, August 10th, 2002
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| Time: | 9:53 pm. |
| Mood: | *sigh*. | | Music: | all well. |
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hmm, well since no one really reads these entries i think im gonna stop posting them... cuz well they also dont really help me any. so yea maybe this might be my last entry... if so cya
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 2:38 am. |
| Mood: | aggravated. | | Music: | one of a kind. |
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im such a loser... i need to get a life and stop being fat. all well i will always be fat, ill just learn to live with it. cya
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Wednesday, August 7th, 2002
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| Time: | 1:00 am. |
| Mood: | aggravated. | | Music: | WTF!!!!!. |
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AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this isnt fair. she is in pain and i cant help her, i cant even talk to her on the phone becuz every other word from her is something that has to do with pain. =( this isnt fair. her parents are fucking idiots and her "friends" think she is putting on an act. well if she were older i would fucking let them know what i thought of them. the day she turns 18 im blowing up at her parents and im gonna let them fucking know every last thing i hate about them. her mom acts like she should be put away or something andher dad thinks he knows everything. fucking retards... i wish they would get fuckin beaten with a stick or something.
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Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
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well that comment i posted in brians journal kinda got me thinkin...life and death are things that i really dont like to look at in depth. is there a god? a higher power? something that you will be able to go to when ur gone? well what if there isnt... no one can imagine what its like becuz u cant die and come back becuz that will defeat the purpose now wouldnt it? but what if there isnt even blackness? what if there is such a thing as nuthingness... i dont wanna go there... i dont want my life to ever end becuz everything i have strived for in my life (as little as that may be) it is mine. earned that, i was the one that lived for this not anyone else, and then it is taken away. well y should i give whatever it is that is going to take it all away the satisfaction of taking more? y shouldnt i just end it now? thats not fair... y should i keep living for something that is just going to take it away from me?
ill tell you y... becuz everything i have strived to earn in my life, has earned me in a sense. if i were to do that what would happen to Brittany? if anything were to happen to her i would be devestated... but really how would i know if i were dead? well what if there is something beyond our deaths that we go to? what if there is a heaven and hell? i would be in hell... and i would NEVER see her again. ever. and infact if i did it would be in visions that would only be of something hurting her, becuz that would be my punishment for leaving her. if i had to pick one reason to live (as i have before when i was ready to cut deep within my flesh) it would be her... i would live for her, i would get through anything to see her face. lol i hate sounding all mushy but when i think about her i melt, even when im mad at her no matter what she has done... she still means everything to me. i might want my space and tell everyone to leave me the fuck alone... including her, but its so that i can deal with whatever it is. *sigh* im rambling, but i dont care this time. no one reads my journal so i can say as much as i want. lets see if i can make a list of things about her i love... i love everything but she likes to hear all of them lol, this list will never be complete...
1. Her hair... it always smells so good that i just wanna lie next to her so that i am close enough to smell it.
2. Her ears... lol her ears are fun to argue with haha, and well even though they are only ears they are beautiful. ooh and now they have the earings i gave her =D
(to say her face is too general)
3. Her eyes... i love to look into them, they are beautiful. when i look into them i see her contacts and wonder how beautiful she would be if i saw her in her glasses... just once i would like to see her in them.
4. Her nose... lol its just a nose but i love her nose. its so cute on her, its perfect for her.
5. Her mouth... her lips are always soft and almost always have lipgloss on them hehehe, but with or without it her lips are beautiful. the most lovely things come out of her mouth when she speaks, sometimes it just amazes me that i ended up with her. no one has ever said things to me that she has... I love you.
6. Her dimples... although they may not be as noticable as mine they make me smile when she does, they make her have an inocence that makes me feel comfortable and trusting.
7. Her neck... hehe i dont mean to leave marks when i do, im just playing around cuz i know u dont like them... i dont actually mean to leave them =D. her neck is always warm and makes me feel safe when i lay my head on her.
8. Her chest... (and i dont mean her boobs so stop thinkin about it) her collar bone, makes her look eligant as if she were a princess. they lead to...
9. Her shoulders... a place to put my head when i am feeling depressed or unhappy. a place that i can put my head when we are in each others arms.
10. Her arms... her arms hold me whether for her reasons or mine. i love it whenever, she could hold me for no reason and i would only want her to hold me more, and well i guess we do that already. well then im saying this so that u know then, whoever u are. ooh yea her armpits are fun to tickle LOL
11. Her stomach... as much as she doesnt like it or others may not and think that she is fat, u all can go to hell becuz i love her stomach. its hers and i wouldnt change a thing.
12. Her back... well i dont much but i guess i should massage her back more. i think i will lol.
13. Her butt... lol her butt is fun to disguss with ehr, she thinks its too big but its not. its not too bigm definitely a good thing that it isnt too small lol. her butt is, well its her butt there isnt much to say about it but i still love it becuz its part of her.
14. Her legs... are beautiful. even if they arent smooth haha it doesnt matter to me really, her legs arent what im in love with its her.
15. Her feet... feet are ugly but not hers. for some reason her feet arent ugly i like her feet. EVEN THOUGH I CAT FREEKING TICKLE THEM!!!
16. Her toes... are almost always painted with some weird color. hehe they are cute though
17. Her... i love her becuz she is the most amazing person in the world. she makes me think of things that i never thought i would think about. she is someone that i love in a way that i never thought i would love someone. she means the world to me. she loves me like i never thought anyone would. i think right now is the first time it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about her. the way she talks, makes me feel something that i havent felt in a long time... happy. she makes me happy. she makes my toes curl, and my body tenses up when i think about her, i just feel overwhelmed with a happiness that i cant explain. at the same time i feel relaxed and ready to fall asleep becuz i feel safe with her. when someone hurts me i think of her... it might not go away but it eases the pain. I LOVE YOU BRITTANY ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 10:49 pm. |
| Mood: | depressed. |
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*sigh* well i guess she is off, ill sit here waiting for her to come back =(. all well at least she will be having fun i guess. i need to think of things to do while she is gone so that im not bogged down with the thought of her not here. i hope she has as much fun as she possibly can, *sigh* well i guess ill go on my other screen name and see if there are any people online right now that i can talk to...
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| Time: | 2:36 pm. |
| Mood: | depressed. | | Music: | no music right now. |
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=( oops, i set my alarm for 11 PM instead of AM and now i missed my brittany. she is gone somewhere and now i dont know if ill be able to talk to her again before she leaves. this isnt fair i always do dumb shit like this. y cant i be like a normal person and not make so many god damn mistakes as i do. i need to learn how to type faster on this keyboard cuz umm well its one of those natural keyboards. i switched it when britt was over when she was talkin to her buds online, but then when she left i thought i should learn how to type with this one. eh might a s well use it and not let it go to waste ya know? well seeing as to how not many people read my journal anyways i guess ill keep the posts short. aight well i might post again today after britt leaves so ttyl.
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mrriddlebox's journal
contemplative.
shocked.